pernahkah..

 

saya sanggupi menempuh kesulitan.
pertanyaan, gugatan, teror, hinaan, makian.
dari ibu saya, kakak saya, dengan segala dalil dan ayat-ayatNYA.
dan pernahkah anda tanya kenapa ?
orang seperti apa saya ini ?

saya sanggupi permintaan untuk tinggal bersama
demi keharusan menjalankan tradisi dan ritual
lalu bertambah urusan tetek bengek kerumahtanggaan
sementara penghuni yang lain menganggap bangunan ini hanya tempat untuk tidur dan transit 
dan pernahkah anda  bertanya apakah saya diperlakukan dengan baik?

saya support secara moral dan material, seringkali diluar kemampuan saya
mensubsidi biaya-biaya yang muncul bukan karena keluarga saya
menerima hinaan, tudingan, fitnah, dan entah apalagi namanya
dan pernahkah anda tahu bagaimana rasanya jadi saya?

silakan menilai, menghujat, menghina
semua ini memang selalu tentang saya
yang tidak punya toleransi, tidak empati,
tidak mengerti arti "bakti"
kurang bersyukur dengan semua yang diberikan

saya tidak pernah menjadi anak kandung selain orang tua saya
saya tidak bisa dijadikan seperti yang anda harapkan
tapi pernahkah anda lihat yang saya upayakan?
apakah anda benar-benar mengerti keadaan yang sebenarnya,
bukan seperti yang diberitakan atau anda simpulkan?



 

That green-eyed hopeless being

I was totally wrong imagining the world .  It was nowhere in my dream this kind of life I would have to share.  

From the very beginning, I should have been more aware that the other would consider myself luckier and better or at least differently nice than the subject's. Be it a wedding preparation and budget, the plan to have a baby as soon as I got married, child care and rearing techniques.

 I thought an imitating conduct towards me reflects "togetherness" or "admiration"  instead of rivalry. I just realized whatever I did, any objects I purchased, places I went to would be a target to prove something which I do not have idea what it is until now.  

I never planned to compete, let alone win any popularity contest. I even did not care what people think about me or what kind of my behavior they would suffer from. But this person never got enough of it. 

This small being must have wanted something  unformidable,  unaccessable  but I kept my close relation out of it.  What do I do?  Involving my spouse directly in the drama between the two of us only cause more tension than I want or need.  To ask him to take sides as that would only make my spouse uncomfortable. Of course, there may be circumstances when there's no choice but for him to speak up and  THAT really put me on the top of the world.

A jealous may crave for something I HAVE that the person doesn't. The "it" that I have may be people's ear, the attention of  the crowd, or a new and growing family, anything. I just realized I didnt have to try so hard to make superior than the other. 

Often the person's actions or words  is trying to fuel the fire and pull me into a fight !!!
The one causing the trouble will probably always be a part of my life, though only ME  can determine how big of a part that is. I will damn show that I am the bigger person.

I might not be able to kill the person with fake kindness, so I keep my distance - limiting one-on-one time or avoiding any time with the person altogether. If I have exhausted every other possibility, it is the time to confront the person head on. Still, the person will not change, even pathetically forward a poor argument .

 I know I do not have to prove anything to anyone...