the madness of this month

"It takes more courage to live than to commit suicide" says a friend of mine. And for me to live through this month, it takes more than umbrella during the rainy days, common sense in the midst of scrimmage, good friend to lend ears among the mad, insensitive, revengeful sparing partners. Approaching the last week of this November yet I can not and should not give in to whatever situation that leads to losing my self.

Clearing your head- it could make you wonder- sometimes could be the most challenging task. You have no idea how easy it would be to give in to anger. When you seem to have all the words to curse others, any of them who probably do not internalize nor comprehend your situation, it gives you different sensation how to let those words remain in your head. In a a split second, you can turn your head and observe your own feelings instead of expressing it.

Even now when i feel that I am still mad, should I say the words to the world and things would change? Should not it be better for me to change my own perspectives before I can be so sure that I should change theirs? Who am I to corret and judge people based on my personal -most-probably-bias standard? Oh yes, I can always say these are my expectation. Then what? Do I deserve to set my expectation toward others? What about their expectation? Do I recognize single of it, do I even notice, even if I do would I even care? Do they need me to show that I care? Maybe not.

At times I show my concern toward certain people because maybe I need the thing for my self: I need to see myself caring for others. Maybe in those cases, I dont genuinely care for them. Maybe it's my ego showing to myself: here, I am a caring person not like those nasty people . So then I feel a lot better, I feel that I am somebody. But that's really really wrong, it should not be the way it should be. They are actually nice people you can find on earth, even when they are deadly walking. Even when they are zombies. Even if they are far or finally misunderstand me.

The worst thing has come to not understanding myself. Why I do things and not do things. Why this numb feeling continues.

If...

Jokingly one of my best people believes that Intelligence is inherited and the best part of the research result is ....it is the MOTHER who inherits the gene. Haha. Quiet funny but it helps a lot to knock down the male's ego of superiority.

Another book says it is the mother who shapes a son's personality. You probably have heard before "behind a great man, there is a great woman". Mind you, the woman does not refer to the wife, but the MOTHER. Excuse me if it hurts as a wife thinking that you are all behind your spouse's career. You are not. But I've got good news for you, if you make it right, you'll be able to create great men of future : your children.

They say in some cultures, if you have three sons, God gives you a lot of wealth. And to share with you, if you have 3 sons you have to have 3 good reasons to keep you well and happy. Coz when you are with those 3, like me, you'll have 3 kinds of personalities , 3 kinds of different problems, 3 kinds of preferences, 3 kinds of dreams and wishes, and maybe 3 kinds of different ways of making you sob, and other times smile with pounding heart.

As a mother, you can't give in by saying , " i dont know, son. I dont know how we can get through it". Dont you dare tormenting their confidence because you are too afraid for anything you dont know. You should be able to stand up when you actually feel you have come to the end of it, so they'll learn how to try harder than you did ever try.

And if, there is no an escape door or parachute to get out of the crises, face it. Face it when they question you, when they lose their confidence in you, when they consider you are too weak to bite the truth. For one thing you want them to know, one thing they will never see you grow out of is: your love as a mother.

IF

by Rudyard Kipling

(1865-1936)

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

When I remember...

I am 36. Not that I am not thankful, but I still have to learn to live. Those wise men from all the saints to ordinary men with extraordinary hearts keep reminding me : "We live for a purpose". Whatever the purpose for me remains a mystery, and sometimes- I have to admit- a terror. Nightmare that haunt me more these days.

I made mistakes. Most are caused by what I should not have said. I never seem to learn to keep my mouth shut. It often too obvious when I disagree, when I hate the situation and how dying I have been to make people change their mind, how resistant I have been to give in and feed other people's ego, how convinced I have been that I was going to win all the dog race and certain reputation.

How much I am hurt. Wish I could cry and just let it go away. The truth is I never forget what they said, what they did, what I said and what I did. I am just not good at letting those stuff go. For certain reasons, the wound never stops bleeding, the pain stays.

I deserve to be happy, to live in peace, learn to forgive and to be loved to be able to love. Then I find , there are some wonderful things, extraordinary things come in small packages. Things I should be able to cherish, people I belong to. I need to be awakened late at night when I lie down, the flow of water from the Koi pond offers certain rhythm, the soundless sleep of my three juniors and how Andhika adores my hair, how tight Wisnu holds and kisses my right hand through the night, how Akira hugs my feet close to his face as if he did not care those feet are not shaved yet, miss pedicures for a long time. Gosh. Not to mention my hubby's little but constant and stable love that keeps growing despite my anger, grumbles and mess. How alive and real he is with his heartbeat and all willingness to meet my demand, even though he cant promise but it's fulfilling to know that I am listened to and have some ears to lend and shoulder to rely on. Gosh, it's heaven I'm in.

Thank you God, for such enlightenment.

Helloween -- bisa menyenangkan

Tanggal 31 Oktober kemarin, kebetulan jatuh di hari Sabtu, dan PPIA mengadakan pesta helloween di kediaman salah satu pengurusnya. Singkat cerita, ibu berniat memberikan pengalaman budaya setelah Setsubun Festival pada saat Wisnu baru berusia 2 tahun, dan Helloween ini kelihatannya cukup cocok. Apalagi tempat diadakannya dekat rumah, di Kalibata.

Persiapan tidak terlalu heboh. Kostum yang dipakai ya adalah dari kolesi yang ada.Sebenarnya sih siapa yang gak kepengen beliin kostum, tapi haiyyaaaa....harganya kemahalan. Lagipula cuman sekali dipakai, untuk3 anak sekaligus. Belum tentu tahun depan akan dipakai lagi. Ya nggak? Yang pertama dilakukan adalah mencari ide : di internet doong (mau dimana lagi? kalo nanya ke nini mah malahan dikomentari " Naha kudu didangdanan jiga jurig? nyingsiuneun wae...". Dapat lah di sini. Nahhh...dengan bermodalkan face painting pens milik Wisnu, mulailah ibu merias dalam hanya 10 menit.

Yang didandani pertama, adalah Akira, yang kepengen jadi monster Naruto. Mukanya dah dicat kuning dan matanya biru, plus kostum Naruto yang sebenarnya adalah baju tidurnya.Eh, begitu dia dah selesai didandani dan berkaca dia berseru "Ibu, Akira nggak mau kayak gini!!! Akira mau dihapus mukanya pakai tisu basah. Halah. Modelan Akira yang mau keliatan charming mulu.... mana mau jadi muka nyeremin?

Modelan Wisnu yang menurut saja didandani seperti Vampire. Seperti loh. Tinggal pakai kemeja lengan panjang warna putih, celana panjang warna hitam, dan riasan wajah, dan rambut diberi gel, jadilah Vampire klimis. Berhubung gak ada kain hitam, hanya ada kain biru, jadilah jubahnya berwarna biru, wekekekek...

Kalo foto didekat labu macam gini, lumayan nyeremin juga kan? Gak usah pake ngomong "HI..hi...hi".

Lihatlah Akira yang ingin tampil menawan : spiderman hitam yang banyak senyumnya. Euleuh. Matanya terpejam dan senyumnya lebar. Pede abisss... biar idung guede n pesek...

Andhika cuma mau digambar matanya saja seperti batman. Yang penting untuk Andhika adalah bukan menjadi menakutkan, tetapi menjadi jagoan. Hyaaatttt..begitu katanya.

Kami tiba di sana pukul 5, berkumpul sebentar hingga matahari tenggelam, lalu ada pengarahan dari kepala hantu.

Anak-anak dibagi dalam beberapa kelompok , dan masing-masing kelompok terdiri dari 8 anak dan minimal 1 orang dewasa. Setiap kelompok berjalan bersama untuk mendatangi rumah yang ada Jack O'lantern nya atau lampu dari labu kuning. Mereka berteriak " tick or treat?". Lalu disambut sang tuan rumah dengan permen atau coklat.

Kegembiraan yang luar biasa dari anak-anak saat mendapat permen dan memasukkannya ke dalam kantong. Setelah mengatakan "thank you" mereka pergi untuk mendatangi rumah lainnya. Sebenarnya ada 23 rumah yang harusnya didatangi, tapi baru 8 rumah saja, kantong mereka sudah kepenuhan terisi permen, coklat, biskuit coklat, dll.

Mereka duduk dilantai, berpesta permen. Ternyata, mereka tak kuat juga memakan semua permennya. Huahaha.... ternyata, yang melimpah itu tak selalu enak dinikmati.

Kami pulang pukul 7 dengan hati senang, dan wajah penuh keringat. Paling tidak, cara mudah untuk berlatih bicara " trick or treat" dan "thank you". Iyalah. 8 kali diulang. 8 rumah bow!