the madness of this month

"It takes more courage to live than to commit suicide" says a friend of mine. And for me to live through this month, it takes more than umbrella during the rainy days, common sense in the midst of scrimmage, good friend to lend ears among the mad, insensitive, revengeful sparing partners. Approaching the last week of this November yet I can not and should not give in to whatever situation that leads to losing my self.

Clearing your head- it could make you wonder- sometimes could be the most challenging task. You have no idea how easy it would be to give in to anger. When you seem to have all the words to curse others, any of them who probably do not internalize nor comprehend your situation, it gives you different sensation how to let those words remain in your head. In a a split second, you can turn your head and observe your own feelings instead of expressing it.

Even now when i feel that I am still mad, should I say the words to the world and things would change? Should not it be better for me to change my own perspectives before I can be so sure that I should change theirs? Who am I to corret and judge people based on my personal -most-probably-bias standard? Oh yes, I can always say these are my expectation. Then what? Do I deserve to set my expectation toward others? What about their expectation? Do I recognize single of it, do I even notice, even if I do would I even care? Do they need me to show that I care? Maybe not.

At times I show my concern toward certain people because maybe I need the thing for my self: I need to see myself caring for others. Maybe in those cases, I dont genuinely care for them. Maybe it's my ego showing to myself: here, I am a caring person not like those nasty people . So then I feel a lot better, I feel that I am somebody. But that's really really wrong, it should not be the way it should be. They are actually nice people you can find on earth, even when they are deadly walking. Even when they are zombies. Even if they are far or finally misunderstand me.

The worst thing has come to not understanding myself. Why I do things and not do things. Why this numb feeling continues.