I made mistakes. Most are caused by what I should not have said. I never seem to learn to keep my mouth shut. It often too obvious when I disagree, when I hate the situation and how dying I have been to make people change their mind, how resistant I have been to give in and feed other people's ego, how convinced I have been that I was going to win all the dog race and certain reputation.
How much I am hurt. Wish I could cry and just let it go away. The truth is I never forget what they said, what they did, what I said and what I did. I am just not good at letting those stuff go. For certain reasons, the wound never stops bleeding, the pain stays.
I deserve to be happy, to live in peace, learn to forgive and to be loved to be able to love. Then I find , there are some wonderful things, extraordinary things come in small packages. Things I should be able to cherish, people I belong to. I need to be awakened late at night when I lie down, the flow of water from the Koi pond offers certain rhythm, the soundless sleep of my three juniors and how Andhika adores my hair, how tight Wisnu holds and kisses my right hand through the night, how Akira hugs my feet close to his face as if he did not care those feet are not shaved yet, miss pedicures for a long time. Gosh. Not to mention my hubby's little but constant and stable love that keeps growing despite my anger, grumbles and mess. How alive and real he is with his heartbeat and all willingness to meet my demand, even though he cant promise but it's fulfilling to know that I am listened to and have some ears to lend and shoulder to rely on. Gosh, it's heaven I'm in.
Thank you God, for such enlightenment.
1 comment:
there's no place like 'home' ya Ken.... :-)
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