What if...

At certain point in your life, you will be at the intersection. No clue at all . You wished that God would be a bit kind to send just a tiny sign behind the signboard. My  problem is ...no sign board at all.  I told myself that I shouldnt be surprised of any extreme weather that hit me. Been there, done that. Flopped here and there. I stumbled and fell and learned to stand up again.


Then I thought I had some dear friends who would listen to my complains and grudges. But then I asked them to  back off .  Or I let them leave as if they were not meant to be.  Guess I've got to much to bear lately and I am just no longer capable of projecting my fear. 


It is really not the job that I am not happy about. This job has been like this. It was just that I gave things up. Just no longer find anyone to look up. After all, no body expected anything from anyone right now. For some people it seemed to be a good condition as you could slow yourself down. For me,  I hate to admit that it was more like injecting the poisonous substance to your blood, and before you knew it, you are paralyzed. 


It is really not about the desire to have your own dwelling place. It's the soul I have lost to live here as an extended family. I am just not really into it anymore. Not that I didnt try.  


What if I am wrong? What if it was me who was selfish, stubborn, snob, intolerant, narrow minded?
What if I these are all about me swimming against the flow? What If I was the one lost? 
What if I am the one who did not consider others?
What if I only pretended that I didnt need anyone?
what if..............

Ketukan hati

Saya mengaku senang mengajar. Hati saya ciut mendengar keluhan si sulung,
 " Ibu, buku-buku sekolahnya dikembalikan saja ke bu guru. Wisnu mau berhenti sekolah. Pelajarannya susah".

Saya mengaku perduli dengan dunia pendidikan. Lidah saya kelu mendengar keluhan si tengah.
 " Kenapa cuma Bli Wisnu yang sekolah setiap hari? Akira mau dong sekolah"

Saya berjanji sana-sini, pergi kesana-kemari, dengan alasan "demi anak-anak". Kaki saya lemas mendengar si bungsu berkata,
 " Andhika mau sama ibu, nggak mau sama mbak."

Suatu malam yang mengantar perasaan gelisah, saya meracau tengah malam menceritakan angan-angan saya. Teman tidur saya hanya mengiyakan. Saya berpanjang-panjang orasi tentang TK dekat rumah yang tak terurus karena kurang dana, keinginan saya mendirikan klub baca, hasrat untuk membuat pelatihan bagi para pembantu yang menyuapi anak-anak di taman dekat rumah sambil bercengkerama mesra cenderung mesum dengan pacarnya tanpa diketahui majikannya. Semua terhenti dengan gumaman teman tidur saya tadi ,
 " whatever makes you happy".

Aih aih. Itu rupanya wangsit yang saya dapatkan. seharusnya saya yang sekarang berkata kepada mereka berempat, " if it makes u happy, it shouldnt be that bad for me to do it". Saya niatkan, malam ini juga.