The choice to be sad

Wisnu has always cried over the separation with me. When he was younger,he would burst into tears watching me hopping into the taxi. When Aji was in Yokohama and I still had to go to work, it was even harder for Wisnu to be left with the baby sitter. Even during the time we were all in Yokohama as I kept him companied almost around the clock, Wisnu cried aloud if I had to leave him even for 5 minutes to put out the garbage.

As the matter of fact,this thing should be somekind of blessing --comparing to other kids who cling to their baby sitters rather than to the mother. Indeed. Some children even could not sleep nor eat without the presence of the nanny. Having a working mom like me who sometimes has to leave early in the morning and get home late does not make Wisnu happier being with the caretaker.

On the other hand, this kind of guilty feeling seems to haunt me everytime I walk to the door and wave goodbye. It's just not on to say " I'll see you soon, be a good boy while I am away". I really had to put my chin up and affirm myself "I'm gonna be allright, and I'll have time to be with him as soon as I get home". It is hard to think that you have to leave three souls in the hands of other people. It is even harder to pretend to be strong when your son weeps like Wisnu. Something that would cheer me up is thinking that weekend is just few days away and there would be lots of time to be with the kids.

Like Sandy in his song :

Bila dapat kuberikan apa yang kau mau
Apa yang kubisa dalam sekejap saja
Ku berikan ! ku berikan !

Tapi bukan hal yg baru kau inginkan aku
Sepanjang waktuku harus slalu denganmu
Maafkanlah ku tak bisa,ku tak bisa

Kutahu kau mengerti
Hatiku slalu ada kamu
Dari tujuh hari tlah kuberikan engkau dua hari
Sabtu minggu kau bersamaku
Sabtu minggu miliki aku
Karna sabtu minggu aku untukmu
Cintaku padamu lebih dari hari apapun

Pada saat aku pergi,mengejar mimpi
Jalani hari-hari dan buat lebih berarti
Tanpa kamu
Tanpa kamu

This is the path I chose, the consequences I have got to take, the pain I will bear. Eventhough it sounds too sentimental, but how I wish I had better options. For happiness you can not buy, but being able to pay for basic needs leads to serenity. Sometimes, higher buying power enables people to do more for others as they do not only think about making the ends meet. I do not want live for work but now I need to work to ensure others' living. I have to. (excuse me for being so pathetic for the time being).