Puzzle here , and there

Bang. Dead end. That's it,this is it,  that's what I thought.
But then, many times, life turns around.

but, who knows what comes next?
 
I would not brag myself for always knowing what to do.  It is just that I the only way that crossed my mind is that, Hey,  who knows I could try. Not to be considered a better person. Not because I was enlightened. Not because of a person. Not because of a religious reason.

I am doing it for myself.

I dont live by people's expectation because I can not afford that. Even my own mother failed me.

The idea of how much my mother loves me scares me so much. I mean, I never understand how love could turn into so much torment. If she was meant to love an ordinary daughter like me, why would she have treated me so special that I had to be different than the other girls- tougher, independent, mature but at the same time down to earth, respectful, and obedient. I do not know what she thought of me in the end. 

What I knew I am the most stubborn daughter she ever had. I took my best chances to survive. I even had to struggle to be myself when the others wont allow me to.

Tell me about planning. I did some planning A, B or even C. What turned up - surprise!
So I set my mind to just simply survive and endure and endure.