A lot of pain, to gain a lot

After 13 years, finally I made the decision to start something new. There has never been an easy way to step into a new world, especially when you have been so comfortable and familiar with the milieu. The worst people with worst responses I could anticipate have been bearable condition for me, for years. From the cheapest smile to wear at the right time of weather,  for the right person to the most blank face to look away to the right target,  is in my repertoire to deal with any kind of creatures who make my day.

 For once, you got really really sick and tired of it. It's just like suffering from cancer. You feel something growing inside of you and it just could not stop. You know it's killing you. You do not know whether you can survive. You do not even dare to wish to die. On top of it , all kinds of treatment is no cure at all. They only give placebo effect with no promise of effective result. The worst thing is when you search for the answer, they just look at you in vain and say " I am so sorry, I wish I knew what to do with you”.

And again, enough is enough. I decided to disarm myself and walk away. I was not born to be a hero who can win the suicidal war. When you refuse to wear the same uniform and join the flock to be in a formation, at least you just have to pretend you are like them. I just can no longer do that. Though I knew there are things I could do, but I think somewhere in certain point of your life I realize that I am destined to be in a different path from others. After sipping the thickest black coffee, what are you not ready for?

Anyway I have been well trained for not confirming to weakness. Being a kid who survived from 3 time hospital treatment of bronchitis, acute asthma and the last one, dengue fever who took many lives of kids of my age back in 1985, I learned to cope with no hope at all and survive despite the doctor’s reservation, the inexistence of medication, money deprivation.  I spent more time in hospital rather than in school (It was likely that the class did not even spare any seat for me, so I need to sit on the teacher’s chair or write on the board as the secretary to the teacher with false argument that I write so clear and neat that my friends will learn how to write so from my writing while the teacher was taking her/his privilege taking her/his seat). I skipped too many classes, learned to catch up the lessons on hospital bed with the help of my dad. It's not a homeschooling but hospitalbedschooling , though. My parents were so sure I could not get promoted during my elementary education and somewhat hypnotized me if I did get to the higher class, it's merely bonus from the God.

I DID get a lot of bonus. I got promoted every year.
I did survived from all those disease. I live. I have lived through the years.

I continued to Junior High, coping with the school mates who were born with silver spoon, managed to be exempted from prep course for free because this best friend of mine whose brain is somewhat hopeless but whose parents are too ambitious to put her into top school refused to take the class without me in her company despite the fact that my parents could never afford the fee, I was like sponsored by my friend’s parents. I was just damn lucky, or got another bonus from God.

Another critical period was when I found the right guy to trust but politically wrong to marry practically because of different faith. Many were sure that my relationship would not last. Many predicted he would back off and desert me. The idea of getting married was more likely to be considered a Malin Kundang rather than a Cinderella tale , as choosing this guy means that I will be a disgrace to the family and cursed.

I did not give up. I did not talk back (for once in my life) to my mother. I just said , “ I was just asking for your permission to let me marry this guy and live my own life” which results in my being expelled from the house. I left my parents house but I did not get offended. Even this guy was afraid that I would do something stupid, like committing suicide or perhaps some other destructive ideas. Instead of saying “ I’ll climb the mountain to win you”, surprisingly he said :” I hope it’s alright with you if we can not marry anyway”. Boom !

I was too numb to be in pain. I could not cry anymore. I did not go to anyone and whine about life. I was unsure what was coming. As always, in time like this, I did not dare to wish for anything. But then God listens to you even you do not dare to talk to him. My parents agreed to let me proceed the wedding. We did get married.

Once I thought that I got a hang of things and settled with a job: regular one, average salary, close distance from my residence. I thought , like everybody else in that company , it was quite OK. All say that I have 3 kids to take care of, so I just need to raise them and be a good mom while the job does not have to be something I pursued. It was only something to kill my time. Rite. I thought so, then I realized I would never be resilient to accountability. I smelled too many things fishy and I just could no longer feel that I should be doing something I believe in while the others do not. I just do not fit in anymore. Things went so rough and unhealthy.

In the end, I just have to believe that nothing happens for no reason. That I should believe that God has again given me another package of bonus. New land of hope, new people to meet, new thing to learn. It’s not always about money, you know.

in (everybody's) good time

I am one of those who believe that everybody can learn. But please note that my sentence is not yet complete without: in his/her own pace. When you start to question how come some people never learn from mistakes, the answer is that because the pace for each of us varies.

Inspired by the occasion of teaching my eldest son to ride a bike, it took me a year to assure him to put off the two small additional wheels at the back of his bike. He often cried and resisted my idea of putting him on the two wheel bike. I myself almost gave up teaching him and let my husband do it. Surprisingly, one good Sunday morning he confidently said “ ibu,  I want to learn to ride a bicycle”. So with no question and held my breath hoping that he did not change his mind, in rush I went with him to the public park in our neighborhood. He did wobbled a lot, but he did try at his best until he was in sweat to prove that he is ready to take the chance. Within a week now he can ride a bike just like any other boy and he could even free one hand from the steer. That was about a 6.5 year boy to learn to ride a bike in his own good time.

Long time ago I used to think that I was really in love with a guy that I thought would surely die if we broke up. I was not too desperate to give anything up, but I had to admit that my staying at the dorm every weekend to anticipate his visit was actually the most painful slap on my face to find that he never took time for me. I did not demand for fixed schedule for a date nor intended to check his availability. I did not risk myself nosing around other dorms to catch him in the act seeing another girl like what my friends suspected. I was damn too proud of my charm that he would show up in his own good time. It took me some months to weigh whether the relationship really worth taking. It just took me one single call to realize that we were not meant to be together. From that time on, I learned to recollect my self respect.  Next time I knew he just a series of icon in my dreams that faded away. When the time comes, all the wounds were healed.

Some people misjudge my values towards friendship. Well, I do not blame them. I sort of have a shorter list of friends compared to others, in real life or even in whatever on line social network account. I just find the number is not my first priority. They won the privilege to be my friends because they have become what they are, without bothering pretending to be some one too nice, too understanding nor too helpful to be true. I love them when they are around or can not be found. Why? Because I myself am not always available and too helpful to be a real person. They are not required to take my advice and I am not obliged to be whatever person they want be me to be. One thing I am sure, they know that we find our own good time to see each other’s eyes or look after one another in the definition that others might not understand.

Career, just like happiness, is optional. It is something to pursue, but it operates mysteriously within you. Somehow, it will not happen for no reason. You will have to invest in time and relationship to achieve it. You have to give away to any people to be able to get there. Career in family or job, happiness to be around those you love or to be alone without being lonely is free of any terms of conditions. It depends on how you define it and how you work on to get there.

To consider God knows exactly what I need, I believe that what I get is finally what I deserve. I know things will come to be mine in my own good time:  A real good man to marry at the right time, good off springs to deliver at the perfect moment, good career to cherish at the right time, good money to spend and to keep at the right moment, good friends to laugh and cry with in time of need in the right dosage to take up at the same time.

In the absence of light, work, and travel on this very early New Saka Year, I owe a thank you for those who make this world worthwhile to live for me, for those who allow some room for me to be myself, and to let me into their lives to share.  

Most of all, thank you  dear God, for giving me the space and option for personal experience in reaching out for you in a way that I am capable of.