A lot of pain, to gain a lot

After 13 years, finally I made the decision to start something new. There has never been an easy way to step into a new world, especially when you have been so comfortable and familiar with the milieu. The worst people with worst responses I could anticipate have been bearable condition for me, for years. From the cheapest smile to wear at the right time of weather,  for the right person to the most blank face to look away to the right target,  is in my repertoire to deal with any kind of creatures who make my day.

 For once, you got really really sick and tired of it. It's just like suffering from cancer. You feel something growing inside of you and it just could not stop. You know it's killing you. You do not know whether you can survive. You do not even dare to wish to die. On top of it , all kinds of treatment is no cure at all. They only give placebo effect with no promise of effective result. The worst thing is when you search for the answer, they just look at you in vain and say " I am so sorry, I wish I knew what to do with you”.

And again, enough is enough. I decided to disarm myself and walk away. I was not born to be a hero who can win the suicidal war. When you refuse to wear the same uniform and join the flock to be in a formation, at least you just have to pretend you are like them. I just can no longer do that. Though I knew there are things I could do, but I think somewhere in certain point of your life I realize that I am destined to be in a different path from others. After sipping the thickest black coffee, what are you not ready for?

Anyway I have been well trained for not confirming to weakness. Being a kid who survived from 3 time hospital treatment of bronchitis, acute asthma and the last one, dengue fever who took many lives of kids of my age back in 1985, I learned to cope with no hope at all and survive despite the doctor’s reservation, the inexistence of medication, money deprivation.  I spent more time in hospital rather than in school (It was likely that the class did not even spare any seat for me, so I need to sit on the teacher’s chair or write on the board as the secretary to the teacher with false argument that I write so clear and neat that my friends will learn how to write so from my writing while the teacher was taking her/his privilege taking her/his seat). I skipped too many classes, learned to catch up the lessons on hospital bed with the help of my dad. It's not a homeschooling but hospitalbedschooling , though. My parents were so sure I could not get promoted during my elementary education and somewhat hypnotized me if I did get to the higher class, it's merely bonus from the God.

I DID get a lot of bonus. I got promoted every year.
I did survived from all those disease. I live. I have lived through the years.

I continued to Junior High, coping with the school mates who were born with silver spoon, managed to be exempted from prep course for free because this best friend of mine whose brain is somewhat hopeless but whose parents are too ambitious to put her into top school refused to take the class without me in her company despite the fact that my parents could never afford the fee, I was like sponsored by my friend’s parents. I was just damn lucky, or got another bonus from God.

Another critical period was when I found the right guy to trust but politically wrong to marry practically because of different faith. Many were sure that my relationship would not last. Many predicted he would back off and desert me. The idea of getting married was more likely to be considered a Malin Kundang rather than a Cinderella tale , as choosing this guy means that I will be a disgrace to the family and cursed.

I did not give up. I did not talk back (for once in my life) to my mother. I just said , “ I was just asking for your permission to let me marry this guy and live my own life” which results in my being expelled from the house. I left my parents house but I did not get offended. Even this guy was afraid that I would do something stupid, like committing suicide or perhaps some other destructive ideas. Instead of saying “ I’ll climb the mountain to win you”, surprisingly he said :” I hope it’s alright with you if we can not marry anyway”. Boom !

I was too numb to be in pain. I could not cry anymore. I did not go to anyone and whine about life. I was unsure what was coming. As always, in time like this, I did not dare to wish for anything. But then God listens to you even you do not dare to talk to him. My parents agreed to let me proceed the wedding. We did get married.

Once I thought that I got a hang of things and settled with a job: regular one, average salary, close distance from my residence. I thought , like everybody else in that company , it was quite OK. All say that I have 3 kids to take care of, so I just need to raise them and be a good mom while the job does not have to be something I pursued. It was only something to kill my time. Rite. I thought so, then I realized I would never be resilient to accountability. I smelled too many things fishy and I just could no longer feel that I should be doing something I believe in while the others do not. I just do not fit in anymore. Things went so rough and unhealthy.

In the end, I just have to believe that nothing happens for no reason. That I should believe that God has again given me another package of bonus. New land of hope, new people to meet, new thing to learn. It’s not always about money, you know.